Divorce Is Hard!

If you think you are leaving a marriage to make your life easier, let me help you prepare for something important: divorce is not easy.

There is nothing easy about it.

For some people, the process of divorce can actually be harder than the marriage they are leaving. And when children are involved, divorce can introduce long-term stress and complexity into your life, your former spouse’s life, and—most importantly—your children’s lives. That doesn’t mean divorce is always the wrong decision. Sometimes ending a marriage is necessary. Sometimes staying is more harmful than leaving. But if you are going to leave, it is important to understand what you are stepping into.

If you do not have children together, you have a greater opportunity to make a clean break. You can eventually go your separate ways and build separate lives. When you have children, however, you don't get a clean break. You will forever be connected through your children. Your family will look different. The routines will change. Holidays may look different. Your children may live in two homes. And you may find yourself communicating with someone you no longer want to be married to for years, sometimes decades, to come.

So, for the purpose of this conversation, let’s talk about divorce when children are involved.

Let’s Talk About the Hard Things

1. The Lawyers

I have many lawyer friends, and I am not criticizing lawyers. They have an incredibly difficult job—and it is a job I certainly do not want. But there is a reason attorneys have the reputation they do. It isn't necessarily because they are bad people. It is because the legal process can be adversarial. Divorce often turns two people who once worked together into opposing parties. And attorneys are expensive. The more you fight, the more complicated the issues become. The more complicated the issues become, the more time is required. And more time generally means more money. This is one of the reasons I encourage divorcing parents to ask themselves an important question:

"Is this issue worth the money, time, and emotional energy it is going to cost my family?"

Not every disagreement needs to become a battle.

2. The Move

Moving is hard under the best circumstances. A divorce move is different. You aren't simply packing boxes. You are often dismantling a life. Suddenly, you are deciding who gets the couch. Who keeps the dishes. What happens to the family photographs. Who takes the artwork. What about the furniture you picked out together?

And these aren't just objects. They carry memories.

You may pick up an object and immediately remember when you bought it together. You may remember a vacation, a birthday, the first home you shared, or a Christmas when your children were little. Even seemingly insignificant things can carry enormous emotional weight. And then there is the practical question:

Where am I going to live?

You have to find a place that works financially, emotionally, and logistically—and if you have children, a place that works for them, too. A move during divorce is often both a physical relocation and an emotional transition.

3. Money Is Always Hard

Money is one of the most difficult parts of divorce. There is the obvious part: dividing what you have accumulated together. Then there are the ongoing questions:

Who pays child support?

Will there be alimony?

Who pays for extracurricular activities?

Who pays medical expenses?

What about school tuition?

What happens when your child needs braces, a new computer, or an expensive athletic uniform?

But there is another financial reality that people sometimes overlook: Two households cost more than one. Think about it. When you are married, one household may have one mortgage or rent payment, one electric bill, one internet bill, one lawn service, one set of household expenses. After divorce, the same family income may now have to support two homes. And before you even get there, you may have attorneys, court costs, experts, mediators, moving expenses, deposits, and new household expenses. The financial pie doesn't necessarily get bigger just because the family gets divided.

4. Losing the Convenience of Having Someone There

This one seems small until you experience it.

You run out of milk. Someone used to just go get it.

The child needs to be picked up. Someone used to be there.

The dog needs to go to the vet.

The car needs an oil change.

Your child has practice at 5:00 and a birthday party at 6:00.

Marriage often comes with an invisible infrastructure of shared responsibilities. After divorce, those responsibilities have to be renegotiated. And sometimes you are simply going to have to do things alone that you never had to do alone before.

5. Not Seeing Your Children Every Day

For many parents, this is one of the hardest parts of divorce. You may go from seeing your children every morning and every night to having scheduled parenting time. You may miss the ordinary moments—the bedtime story, the school project, the conversation in the car, the random question asked while standing in the kitchen. And your children may miss you, too. This is where it becomes incredibly important to remember:

Your child’s relationship with their other parent is not a threat to your relationship with them.

Your goal is not to win your child. Your goal is to help your child maintain healthy, secure relationships with both parents whenever that is safe and appropriate.

6. Your Children Didn't Ask for This

Remember, your children did not ask for the divorce. They are innocent bystanders in a decision made by adults. They didn't choose two homes. They didn't choose a different holiday schedule. They didn't choose to split their time, pack a bag every few days, or wonder what the other parent is doing when they aren't there. And they certainly shouldn't have to choose sides.

Don't let your children become the rope in your tug-of-war.

When parents are hurt, angry, or afraid, it can be incredibly easy to pull children into the conflict—sometimes intentionally, sometimes without realizing it. A child may become the messenger, the confidant, the source of information about the other parent, or the person who feels responsible for keeping everyone happy. That is too much weight for a child to carry, no matter their age.

Your children should not have to manage your emotions about your former spouse. They should not have to defend one parent to the other. And they should never feel that loving one parent somehow betrays the other. They need to love both of you. It is ok, understandable, to miss the other parent while they are with you. They can enjoy themselves at the other parent's house. You should want them to.  And they need to know that they don't have to fix the divorce. The marriage may be ending, but your children are still your family. Protect them from the parts of the divorce that belong to the adults.

7. Other People Will Enter Your Children's Lives

This is another reality that many parents struggle to accept. Your children may eventually have new people in their lives. A stepparent. A parent's significant other. New friends. New family members. And you may have very little control over some of those relationships. That can be frightening. It can bring up jealousy, anger, fear, and protectiveness. But one of the most important skills you can develop after divorce is learning to distinguish between what you can control and what you cannot.

You can control how you parent.
You can control the environment you create in your home.
You can control how you speak about the other parent.
You can control whether your children feel caught in the middle.
You cannot control everything that happens in the other household.

And learning to live with that reality is hard.

8. Everything Gets More Complicated

In divorce, even simple things can become complicated. Let's take something as ordinary as taking your child to the doctor. When you were married, perhaps one parent typically handled medical appointments. You went to the doctor, came home, and told your spouse what happened. Maybe you sent a quick text. Maybe you talked about it over dinner. There was an assumption of trust and confidence. You were playing for the same team. After divorce, that same doctor's appointment may become an email. "Just letting you know that I took Sarah to the pediatrician today. The doctor said..." Then the other parent may have questions.

Why wasn't I told beforehand?
What did the doctor say?
Why did you make that decision?
What medication was prescribed?

And this is where I often hear something from parents that sounds like:
"They were never involved before. They didn't care. Now they're just trying to make my life difficult."

Sometimes that may be true. But sometimes it isn't. Sometimes the other parent is becoming more involved because the rules have changed. When you were married, there was an element of trust that allowed you to operate independently. You were partners. You had a shared home and a shared family structure. After divorce, that structure disappears. The teams feel divided. And suddenly, things that used to be handled informally have to be communicated, documented, scheduled, and sometimes negotiated.

That can feel incredibly frustrating.

But here is something I want divorced parents to remember: The goal isn't to make co-parenting feel like marriage again. It won't. The goal is to create a new way of functioning that allows your children to feel safe, loved, and free to love both parents. That requires communication. It requires boundaries. It requires flexibility. And perhaps most importantly, it requires the ability to put your child's needs ahead of your own feelings about your former spouse.

Divorce Doesn't Have to Be Easy to Be Healthy

I tell parents that divorce is not simply the end of a marriage. It is the beginning of a new family structure. And creating that structure takes time.

There will be grief.
There will be anger.
There will be financial stress.
There will be logistical headaches.
There will be moments when you wonder if you can possibly keep doing this.

But there will also be opportunities.

Opportunities to become a different kind of parent.
Opportunities to establish healthier boundaries.
Opportunities to heal.
And opportunities to teach your children something incredibly important:

Families can change without love disappearing.

Your marriage may end. Your role as a parent does not. And your children should never have to choose between the two people they love most. If you are going through divorce with children, don't focus only on surviving the legal process. Think about what comes after.

Ask yourself: What kind of family do I want us to become?

Because divorce may change your family. But it does not have to define it. Remember your children did not ask for the divorce. They are innocent bystanders. Don’t let the children become the rope in your tug-o-war.